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Funeral Etiquette

When you find out that someone in your life has passed, the first question everyone thinks is "What can I do?" To many people that question is literal - they're not sure what to say, when to say it or what to do when someone dies.

Etiquette surrounding what to do when someone passes, and what to do at funerals can often be unclear, especially given all of the customs of different cultures and religions. While funeral etiquette can be quite situational, we put together a simple “Do & Don’t” list of general funeral etiquette guidelines.

Do

Don't

Visit the deceased’s family when you hear they have passed. This is an age-old custom for those in the family or close to the family.

Stay longer than 15 minutes when you visit the deceased’s family. They will be receiving a lot of visitors, and you don’t want to overwhelm them.

Call the deceased’s loved ones if you are not local and cannot visit, or you cannot make it to town until the funeral.

Keep leaving messages until they call you back if you can’t get a hold of them. Grieving and organizing a funeral can be very overwhelming – it’s proper etiquette to give them a little space if they need it.

Express your sympathy to the family and ask what you can do to help to plan the funeral.

Go on and on – be brief, and let the family members express their grief if they need to.

Say things like: “I am sorry about Larry. He was a good man and I miss him a lot.”

Don’t get overly emotional when talking to the deceased’s family members – it’s okay to cry, but if you are unable to stop, politely excuse yourself.

Send an email instead of visiting if you are not a close family member of friend.

Send your condolences via text. Even in today’s modern world, it’s still considered a little too informal.

Wear your Sunday best to the funeral – it doesn’t have to be black, just conservative.

Show up at the funeral wearing sneakers and playing video games on your phone.

Take food to the wake or other post-funeral family and friends gathering.

Forget to call whoever is hosting the gathering and asking what type of food to bring.

Seek out the family to comfort them as soon as you get to the funeral. You are there to support them in their grief.

Be afraid to express your condolences and respects. You’re not intruding – this is why the family is holding the funeral.

Remember that if there is a cemetery site service that the chairs are for friends and family.

Talk or be distracting in any way during ceremonies.

Share your feelings online. Many funeral homes and churches have sections on their websites for people to leave their condolences. This is a great way for a grieving family to find comfort after the funeral is over.

Take photos at the funeral or graveside service – and share them on social media. (Unless, of course, the deceased’s family actually wants that to happen.)

Be sensitive to cultural and religious customs at funerals. (For instance, it is not proper etiquette to send flowers to an Orthodox Jewish funeral.)

Present the family with any sort of religious gifts or cards if it is a non-religious ceremony.

Talk to people at the funeral. Joining together is part of the grieving process.

Break out colorful jokes or stories – unless the family enjoys that sort of humor.

Be on time for the funeral.

Show up at a private funeral you were not invited to. Sometimes families want to keep funerals and memorials very small. This should be respected.

 

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